Born on the shimmering fault line between the hippy and disco movements, I was raised primarily by feral cats; they provided structure, warmth, and a working knowledge of eye contact as dominance. A prodigy by age five, I displayed rare artistic gifts, most notably consuming live ants while drawing unsettlingly accurate faces on root vegetables. Following a tragic misunderstanding involving a carbonated beverage, Pop Rocks, and a lawn dart, I was honorably discharged from the Junior Templars of America in 1979 for “excessive initiative.” My meteoric pursuit of global stardom led me to audition for pop juggernaut Menudo in 1982. I was regretfully dismissed, citing my “creative interpretation” of rhythm and my insistance on weaponizing Spanish profanities irresponsibly. Recognizing that education is the cornerstone of any credible supervillain, I earned a degree in advanced tyromancy (cheese divination) from a prestigious technical institute and graduated without honors in 1995. Reinvigorated, I quietly orchestrated both the Y2K scare and the dot-com collapse; not out of malice, but to “see what would happen.” The results exceeded expectations. I now reside in an undisclosed and moderately damp location with my trophy wife and my emotionally complicated badger, Mr. Chuckles, who handles most of our public relations.